I'M IN HELL!

[Guinnes1981]

Always glad to be able to help someone in a time of need. Nice to hear everything went smoothly - as Blag said, you both did him proud!

[PRNelson]

Picked up Toby's ashes today. That was so upsetting, I broke down in the funeral directors and again when I got them home. This has been the hardest part of all, bringing the remains of my son home in a bag inside of a small box.

We are going to scatter the ashes over several locations of significance to us, so I'm trying to plan a trip to we can do this as soon as possible. To delay will only cause us longer greif.

[blagmasterg]

I just have to say mate, that I am blown away by the dignity and courage that you have both shown and continue to show in dealing with this. I have literally never witnessed anything braver than you standing up at that service and speaking the way you did. If there is anything that I can do then let me know

[PRNelson]

Well mate, if you or anyone else is proficient at organising travel at cheaper than normal prices that would be great.

One place we want to scatter some of Toby's ashes is in Tenerife, on the volcano Mount Teide. We have to stay in Hotel Guayarmina Princess (it's where we would hae taken Toby if he was alive), but it's not something we have the budget for. Last time I went there I was able to find two travel agents and play them off against eachother until I'd got 2 weeks half board for £500 per person instead of about £750. I don't know if I've got the strength to do this again.

[PRNelson]

So today would have been Toby's one month birthday and I still find myself struggling to distinguish my life from being in hell. For me the loss of Toby continues to feel just a raw but frankly even more unfair. Yet aside from my wife and son it almost appears that to the rest of the world, even to most of our closest friends and family it's as if Toby never existed. In reality there is nothing that anybody can do and everyone knows that, so they haven't a clue what they should do about it. I don't even know myself. I find myself so full of anger and rage at the extreme unfairness of innocent Toby's death, without anywhere to direct it I know it's eating me up from the inside. I've not be able to focus at all and now it's Toby's one month birthday I'm regretting no thinking ahead to the significance of this day. I wish we got something ready. I wish we had something special to eat. Toby's special food to us is Subway, because everyone time we went to the John Radcliffe hospital whilst Carly was still carrying him we would always stop there for a sub of the day. May sound pathetic, but I have never wanted a Subway as much as I do right now, to the point that I'm in tears about it. Or maybe the tears are out of guilt because I didn't consider the significance of today until it was too late. I wish I had a helium balloon again to release a message to Toby, to tell him how much I miss him and I love him and I'm sorry that as his father I couldn't protect him.

If you can see me writing this Toby, please know that I love you so much and that I miss you. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you. Happy one month birthday, I'll never forget about you. Ever.

[Nigel Tufnell]

Really sorry for you mate.

[Bob Syko]

Nelson, I can't really say I can understand what you are going through because that would be insanely disrespectful but if you don't mind me saying. I think you should trudge off to subway. They are open pretty late and you will regret it later if you don't. It doesn't sound silly at all and if that's how you want to honour your little boy then go for it.

[PRNelson]

Nelson, I can't really say I can understand what you are going through because that would be insanely disrespectful but if you don't mind me saying. I think you should trudge off to subway. They are open pretty late and you will regret it later if you don't. It doesn't sound silly at all and if that's how you want to honour your little boy then go for it.

Cheers Bob, I really appreciate what you've said. However, you clearly don't know how rural the area I live in is. A Subway, na that's what the trains in London use!

In all seriousness, I don't feel up to driving anywhere really.

[Tlix]

I know it's not the same but it's just an idea... how about checking online or something to see what the sub of the day is and then buying in the ingredients and doing it yourself? Best you can get close to it seeing the nearest one is so far away.

Sorry didn't realise it was a couple of days you posted after typing that. Maybe an idea for the future though if your a bit stuck when it comes to travelling?

[PRNelson]

6 months yesterday that Toby died. Turns out that clawing my way out of hell is harder and taking longer that I thought. Having a really low time at the moment. Due to a combination of factors I drove home from work contemplating driving off the road into a tree. That's really shit so I've ended up off sick again before I'll have another stab at trying to sort myself out for work. Then after being signed of sick my wife had a huge bust up with my mum and sister which sent me into a spiralling rage, kicked the shit out of my car leaving it all dented and walked miles in in rain wearing flip flops resulting in blisters. I'm getting really worried about my ability to get through this.

[blagmasterg]

Hang in there Nelson - you have a lot to live for right now and don't forget that. I'm about if you wanna chat buddy.

[PRNelson]

I'm sure things will have to get better, but so far everything that goes wrong just makes things go from bad to worse. Carly is really suffering in this pregnancy not having fully recovered from the previous and now her Mum has got cancer. There's just no fucking justice.

[blagmasterg]

Man that's just....words fail me as to how shit that is. Just remember that Carly NEEDS you right now, more than ever before. You were there for her 6 months ago and you showed courage beyond anything I have ever seen and you can do it again. I believe in you and I know that she does too

[PRNelson]

I'm trying so hard, but it's getting to the point where it's making mre ill. More than anything I need to be strong for Leon and the child growing inside Carly. Ultimately I'm terrified that I'm going to let my children down. I feel so helpless, just like how helpless I was to prevent Toby's death.

[blagmasterg]

You don't have to face this alone man. There are many people who think the world of you and who know what a good person you are and would do anything to help you. You didn't let Toby down - exactly the opposite you stayed strong for him - strong as an indivisual and strong as a family unit and the proof of that is that little baby that Carly is carrying right now.

I'm always available if you need to chat bud