I really am lost for answers and don't know where to turn. This revolves around very private matters to my mothers, so forgive me for not going into detail.
My Mum has had shit all her life since being a child. This includes having long term physical/medical problems. This has resulted in her being emotionally unstable. She has then suffered horrible physcological trauma. She has had consultations, examinations, operations and countless other medical procedures I'm not sure of. Yet, being in her 50's now, she clearly feels no further forward now than she has ever in her life.
She got a letter today from the Dr's that she wasn't happy with, and once again it's left to me to try and pick up the peices. I just feel I can't cope with it any longer. I don't know what the answers are. I can't fix her physically or emotionally. Yet I'm the one that she want's to offload onto and I know that this is a huge facter as to why I have sufffered/still suffer with depression. Frankly, I think my Mum will never understand that she had a huge responsibility that I'm likely to have to deal with depression my whole life.
Anyway, my Mum feels like everyone judges her and that everyone thinks all her problems are in her head. She feels she's never given the time she deserves by her Dr and just isn't important. She needs medical help, both physical and psychological, and I don't know what to say to her.
I'm sure she should formally complain about her Dr. I would like for her to be able to speak to someone who can help her in a formal capacity. I haven't got a clue what the answers are and I'm not that person. But I haven't got a clue what to say to my Mum or where to direct her to get the help she needs. I don't know if anyone of you have any experiences that may help, of if it's just going to help me by having this rant. Either way, thanks for your time.
Help For My Mum.
-
FatTrucker
- Posts: 1155
- Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 5:23 pm
Re: Help For My Mum.
To be honest mate, it depends on what's actually wrong with her. Psychological issues can be incredibly complex and difficult to treat and its often the case that there is no 'fix' or long term solution. A lot of the time they seem to treat psychological illness with drugs because they simply can't repair the damage whether thats physical or emotional and the drugs just offer temporary respite.PRNelson wrote:I really am lost for answers and don't know where to turn. This revolves around very private matters to my mothers, so forgive me for not going into detail.
My Mum has had shit all her life since being a child. This includes having long term physical/medical problems. This has resulted in her being emotionally unstable. She has then suffered horrible physcological trauma. She has had consultations, examinations, operations and countless other medical procedures I'm not sure of. Yet, being in her 50's now, she clearly feels no further forward now than she has ever in her life.
She got a letter today from the Dr's that she wasn't happy with, and once again it's left to me to try and pick up the peices. I just feel I can't cope with it any longer. I don't know what the answers are. I can't fix her physically or emotionally. Yet I'm the one that she want's to offload onto and I know that this is a huge facter as to why I have sufffered/still suffer with depression. Frankly, I think my Mum will never understand that she had a huge responsibility that I'm likely to have to deal with depression my whole life.
Anyway, my Mum feels like everyone judges her and that everyone thinks all her problems are in her head. She feels she's never given the time she deserves by her Dr and just isn't important. She needs medical help, both physical and psychological, and I don't know what to say to her.
I'm sure she should formally complain about her Dr. I would like for her to be able to speak to someone who can help her in a formal capacity. I haven't got a clue what the answers are and I'm not that person. But I haven't got a clue what to say to my Mum or where to direct her to get the help she needs. I don't know if anyone of you have any experiences that may help, of if it's just going to help me by having this rant. Either way, thanks for your time.
It may not be her fault that she is the way she is but taking responsibility for helping her (after professionals have tried and failed for years) is really just setting yourself up for a fall. The fact is the mother/son relationship is skewed and you need to prepare yourself to let that go.
Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you can't really help no matter how much you might want to. You have a life and family of your own now, and if you don't want them to suffer the legacy of parental depression that you grew up with, you need to absolve yourself of blame, explain to your mum that you love her and you're happy that she's a part of your lives, but you don't have the answers she needs and have to concentrate on being happy with your own family.
You could make an appointment to see her doctor just to get straight on exactly why any treatment she's having is failing but she's an adult and no matter what her issues are at some point she will have to learn to take responsibility and care of herself. If people have been picking her up her whole life that's probably why she can't deal with things now. If she's not already in touch with them, arrange for her to meet with someone in Social Services who deals with problems like this. They will have a dedicated team of care workers, and occupational therapists dealing with helping people with mental and physical health issues to live independently and get the support and care that they need. The main point is that there is a massive support network for people like your mum, all you need to do is put them in touch.
You might feel like you're failing her or have abandonment issues but ultimately mate the guilt is hers for failing you rather than yours for failing her. You can only take things so far before you have to walk away for your own good.
I know that's hard but sometimes life is like that and we just have to stick it on our shoulders and carry on walking.
Last edited by FatTrucker on Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Feel free to add me on XBL.
I think I might be able to be helpful...As some of you may know I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, I have ever since I was in school and there is nothing worse than having those feelings and not knowing what they are, or even worse, people assuming it is something else, with me for example it was people assuming I didn't want to go into school because I was lazy, rather than once I got there I was constantly having panic attacks whenever I would be asked a question, or whenever I would have to go between classes. It's a truly horrible feeling knowing that you are making other people's lives worse, you don't know why and you can't do anything about it. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
These problems continued right up until I left school, couldn't get a job because of course, I couldn't make job interviews and stuff. Eventually I went to see a doctor and he told me what was wrong with my mind (it's broken) and the relief I felt was amazing.
Then, last November I started a course, or whatever it is you want to call it called condition management which you can do through the job center, it's all about helping you understand what you are feeling and how to deal with it and it has been the most rewarding experience of my life. You get a one on one with a trained practitioner of mental tomfoolery, then you just talk. Talk and talk and talk until you start getting somewhere. I found that most of the answers were easy, the only problem I had ever had was knowing what the questions were!
My mind is still broken, I think I can safely say that but it has made me a much happier person, I know what is wrong with my mind, I am learning techniques to deal with it and now, even though I'm still not in the position to work I am a much more confident person and I am doing things that I couldn't of done less than 12 months ago.
So, that's what I did to start fixing my emotional problems, I hope my story helped man. Pop into the Job Center, ask about condition management, she should be eligible for it and it's unbelievable how much it helps since it is basically sitting down and talking to someone for half an hour a week. If your depression keeps popping up then maybe you could look into it as well? Might inspire your Mum if you are going through something similar.
If you want to chat more about what condition management is like then feel free to pop on MSN and we can use words on each others minds.
BAH-WEEP-GRA-NA-WEEP-NINNY-BONG!
It might be a good idea for both of you to go see her doctor together, or a counsellor that the GP could refer you too. That way you can get the issues out in the open on neutral grounds and if it goes well then she can continue to see the counsellor to help her with her own problems.
Like Fat Trucker said, this shouldn't be your burden. I know she's your Mother, but when you have your own problems to deal with it's not fair to expect so much from you. If she admits she needs some help psychologically then that's the first step. There's a type of therapy called cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT that the NHS offer. Instead of merely trying to counsel the person, it helps you find a reason for feeling down or worried and encourages different behavioural responses to stress that can help you get over it. It might be good for her.
Like Fat Trucker said, this shouldn't be your burden. I know she's your Mother, but when you have your own problems to deal with it's not fair to expect so much from you. If she admits she needs some help psychologically then that's the first step. There's a type of therapy called cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT that the NHS offer. Instead of merely trying to counsel the person, it helps you find a reason for feeling down or worried and encourages different behavioural responses to stress that can help you get over it. It might be good for her.
Mario Kart Wii Code: 0817-3882-8871
-
blagmasterg
- Posts: 2111
- Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2006 11:30 am
- Location: The Restaurant at The End of the Universe
I myself have suffered mental problems most of my life, and as I have mentioned on these fine pages before, it turned out that I suffer from Intrusive thoughts, which is a much more common condition than one might think. I got this diagnosis by demanding that my doctor refer me to a mental health specialist (I actually ended up seeing a trainee doc) who then referred me to their cognitive behavioural specialist. As Psychoneill has already mentioned, CBT is a type of therapy that rather than trying to 'cure' the problem as such rather helps you to identify what the problem is, why it is a problem, and how you can learn to deal with it. I would highly recommend that you get your mum to go to her GP and ask, nay demand, that she be referred to a mental health specialist and maybe they will be able to start helping her from that perspective.
The other thing that I would mention, that may sound a little kooky, is Traditional Chinese Medicine. I also - since my early twenties - have suffered from IBS, which is a crippling condition in and of itself. I went to a TCM specialist last year having exhausted every other 'conventional' treatment route and he took some time to talk through all of my symptoms, identified exactly what he thought the problem was (IBS is a 'catch all' term for several dozens of different types of stomach related badness) and devised a course of acupuncture and herbs to treat me. Since I had this course of treatment last year, I have been hundreds of times better, getting back a social life, being able to travel and generally enjoying a far higher quality of life. I realise that your mum ISN'T suffering from IBS, but my example illustrates that even a condition like IBS, which the NHS can barely acknowledge, much less treat, is treatable by alternative methods. TCM can be used to treat almost any condition, mental or physical and from my positive experiences I would have absolutely no hesitation at all in recommending it as an alternative if the NHS is failing you or her.
Finally, I would like to say that on a personal level I can sympathise with what you are going through. In my case, I have no relationship at all with my mother, as it turned out that I couldn't any longer cope with her. Not only does she suffer hugely from depression, paranoia, and a multitude of other things, but generally she is just nt a pleasant person. When I left home my father left soon after and she got a lot worse. The last time that I spoke to her (before changing my number) she spent 3 quarters of an hour telling me what bad person I was, and I decided that I had had enough. The point (in my inimatable rambling style) is that whereas you perhaps don't need to employ such a drastic solution as I did, I can second the other people here in saying that you need to perhaps try and distance yourself slightly from all of this. You have your own family to look after, your own life to get on with and whereas your mum might need help, I think that she would also understand that you can't support her all on your own, and that you are goingto need more time of yor own to concentrate on your own life and all of the attendant problems that can throw at you.
I hope that at least some of my deranged mutterings are of assistance. If there is anything that you want to ask me or even if you just wanna chat then PM me anytime, or if you see me online feel free to catch up with me on MSN or via Live.
G
The other thing that I would mention, that may sound a little kooky, is Traditional Chinese Medicine. I also - since my early twenties - have suffered from IBS, which is a crippling condition in and of itself. I went to a TCM specialist last year having exhausted every other 'conventional' treatment route and he took some time to talk through all of my symptoms, identified exactly what he thought the problem was (IBS is a 'catch all' term for several dozens of different types of stomach related badness) and devised a course of acupuncture and herbs to treat me. Since I had this course of treatment last year, I have been hundreds of times better, getting back a social life, being able to travel and generally enjoying a far higher quality of life. I realise that your mum ISN'T suffering from IBS, but my example illustrates that even a condition like IBS, which the NHS can barely acknowledge, much less treat, is treatable by alternative methods. TCM can be used to treat almost any condition, mental or physical and from my positive experiences I would have absolutely no hesitation at all in recommending it as an alternative if the NHS is failing you or her.
Finally, I would like to say that on a personal level I can sympathise with what you are going through. In my case, I have no relationship at all with my mother, as it turned out that I couldn't any longer cope with her. Not only does she suffer hugely from depression, paranoia, and a multitude of other things, but generally she is just nt a pleasant person. When I left home my father left soon after and she got a lot worse. The last time that I spoke to her (before changing my number) she spent 3 quarters of an hour telling me what bad person I was, and I decided that I had had enough. The point (in my inimatable rambling style) is that whereas you perhaps don't need to employ such a drastic solution as I did, I can second the other people here in saying that you need to perhaps try and distance yourself slightly from all of this. You have your own family to look after, your own life to get on with and whereas your mum might need help, I think that she would also understand that you can't support her all on your own, and that you are goingto need more time of yor own to concentrate on your own life and all of the attendant problems that can throw at you.
I hope that at least some of my deranged mutterings are of assistance. If there is anything that you want to ask me or even if you just wanna chat then PM me anytime, or if you see me online feel free to catch up with me on MSN or via Live.
G
Thanks for all your comments guys. It's good to have such an open forum.
One of the first hurdles for my Mum is the fact that she doens't like to admit that she has depression, sometimes very severe, despite the fact that two of her three children have been diagnosed with it (I've been medicated for it for about 3 years now). She'll never deal with it if she can't accept it. However, when she phones me up, she does exactly the same thing to me that I've done to counsellors over the years. She just doesn't realise it. She doesn't have many friends, and for some reason I seem to be her child of choice for off-loading onto. I just can't give her what she needs.
Anyway, thanks again.
One of the first hurdles for my Mum is the fact that she doens't like to admit that she has depression, sometimes very severe, despite the fact that two of her three children have been diagnosed with it (I've been medicated for it for about 3 years now). She'll never deal with it if she can't accept it. However, when she phones me up, she does exactly the same thing to me that I've done to counsellors over the years. She just doesn't realise it. She doesn't have many friends, and for some reason I seem to be her child of choice for off-loading onto. I just can't give her what she needs.
Actually, this is ONE of the things she suffers with (as do I) and has done for as long as I can recall. There is a vast history.blagmasterg wrote:I realise that your mum ISN'T suffering from IBS
Anyway, thanks again.
Sorry to hear that Nelson, it must be really hard. I think if you're not happy with your mother's GP then you should either see if she can be transferred to another GP or as aidanon said, go see him/her together, although this should be if your mother lets you and it'd be best dealing with your concerns then and there.
Unfortunately, as many other people said, some psychological diseases are very hard to treat, and many rely on the willingness of the patient to change. If there's no motivation there then its very hard to treat. It's understandibly hard for her because i imagine she thinks noone believes her when she says whats wrong, so perhaps gently persuading her to try the treatments she may have been reluctant to try, under the guise that if the other things arent working, perhaps give these new ones a try.
Understandibly you said its impacting you quite a bit, the burden on the carer can be quite large(you essentially are in this scenario), make sure if this is getting you down to go your GP, i know youve suffered from depression before, but talking about these things can really help, especially with the right GP. You've done the right thing in speaking to the forum, everyone is really supportive, please say if things improve or not.
Although i havent been through this personally, i like to think im a good listener, so feel free to PM me anytime if you ever want to
Unfortunately, as many other people said, some psychological diseases are very hard to treat, and many rely on the willingness of the patient to change. If there's no motivation there then its very hard to treat. It's understandibly hard for her because i imagine she thinks noone believes her when she says whats wrong, so perhaps gently persuading her to try the treatments she may have been reluctant to try, under the guise that if the other things arent working, perhaps give these new ones a try.
Understandibly you said its impacting you quite a bit, the burden on the carer can be quite large(you essentially are in this scenario), make sure if this is getting you down to go your GP, i know youve suffered from depression before, but talking about these things can really help, especially with the right GP. You've done the right thing in speaking to the forum, everyone is really supportive, please say if things improve or not.
Although i havent been through this personally, i like to think im a good listener, so feel free to PM me anytime if you ever want to
Now this wasn't what he expected: a Utopian society full of Nazis with pink bobblehats and swollen, bright children full of tiny insects that could teleport, whose statues should provoke world peace instead of simply spreading jam over Robert Downey Jr.
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests