Post
by Miss Moth » Mon Jan 18, 2010 3:01 pm
Microwave meals
They are the last resort for me but inevitably that becomes the same as the first resort when there's **** all else to eat.
What really gets my goat today, and increasingly over the last year or so, is this whole cook for half of the time, peel back the film lid, and then put it back on and cook for the rest of the time.
Now this is simple and always has been, SO WHY THE COCK DON'T THEY MAKE THIS PLASTIC FILM EASY TO GET OFF WITHOUT SPAZZING SCOLDING HOT PASTA SAUCE ALL OVER THE PLACE, BURNING YOUR FINGERS IN THE PROCESS?
The plastic these days is not the same easy-peel it once was. No, now you have to tear it off in thin strips, that are inevitably moist and get stuck to your fingers, and then FALL ON THE FUCKING FLOOR when you try to take them off your hands. Then they disappear into the kitchen atmosphere until a bit gets stuck to your sock the next morning, with bits of fucking pasta sauce still on it.
Firing radiation at your food is such a convenient joy but hardly rivalled by the experience of BURNING YOUR MOUTH on the aforementioned pasta sauce. The meaty bits are cold as polar bears, so you think nothing of piling a large mouthful in and then... AAAARRRRGGGHH. Bits dripping down your chin, burning the skin there as well as your gums. Mmm. I love the taste of napalm. That's what it is. You fire napalm at your food and this is what you get. It is the culinary apocalypse.
Dancing
Now I am a rational bloke, and admittedly have strutted my stuff on a dancefloor once or twice over the years, but this shit has to stop. Right now. Strictly Come On All The Fucking Time and Dancing On Ice are the worst things I can possibly imagine, and then I see they are actually real. The need for the British public to watch legions of celebrity fuckwits vainly wanking about in the name of entertainment all the bloody time wasn't there before, but suddenly it is and I want to know why.
There are so many reasons why this is wrong, but the most bloody irritating, downright hateful aspect is the "dance-off", in which two vain people have to prove who is most deserving of waving their willy, or fadge, the next week, by performing EXACTLY THE SAME FUCKING DANCE they did not half an hour before. Meanwhile, the audience members, who presumably have been fed cupfuls of amphetamines on the way in, all clap along as if their lives depended on it. Maybe Brucie goes round with a machine gun before the show threatening anyone who doesn't smile inanely and clap along.
The contestants laugh, and cry, and cry some more. People GENUINELY CARE WHO WINS AND WHO DOESN'T and it makes THE NATIONAL NEWS. It's not neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwws. NO IT ISN'T. Stop putting this on the news. Just STOP.
That extended silence, while the dramatic music builds up, is plenty of time for a team of masked killers to burst into the studio and do something righteous. I have nothing more to say on this matter. I am getting very, very angry just thinking about it. Good day.
I have sausage fingers and deep knees.
